


Crack on High

by TheBeckster



Category: Jak and Daxter
Genre: Gen, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, copied over as-is, please don't actually read this, this was only moved for safekeeping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-15
Updated: 2010-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:34:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24138181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBeckster/pseuds/TheBeckster
Summary: This is what happens when you put two extremely bored nerds together over IM late at night. Read it, I guarantee you'll get at least one chuckle or you'll get your money back! T for language. THIS IS A CRACK FIC! but none of us are on crack.----Originally posted on fanfiction.net 2/15/2010. Copied over as-is 5/11/2020.





	Crack on High

**Author's Note:**

> So. I bet you can't guess how bored we were when we put this little train wreak together. VERY!
> 
> Well I wrote this with help from my good friend JM-OC-JA late last night. I was bored, she was bored. And this is our brain child. :D
> 
> Keep in mind I only had control over half of this story.
> 
> I hope you like it! We had a blast writing it that's for sure. Enjoy the bad puns, complete randomness, and people stolen from other universes. :D
> 
> Luv you lots! 3
> 
> -Becks and JJ

Once upon a time there was a person names Jak who fell madly in love with Spider solitaire. All day that's all he would do is play spider solitaire until Keira came home and beat him with a stolen Omni-wrench. Jak tried to fend her off by using Daxter, but Tess would not stand for it and she pulled out a huge ass yackow and shouted "Freeze scumbags! Don't make me use the other end!"

Jak proceeded to break down laughing as Keira glared at Tess. She took Daxter in her hand and threw him at Tess. Tess tossed the yackow aside to catch her Daxie-Poo and the yackow landed on Torn who got mad and poked Jak in the face shouting "Watch where you throw that thing!" Jak stopped laughing and looked at Torn hurt. "That's not how you felt last night." He said tearfully. Torn sputtered and looked at Jak "I thought that was going to be out little secret, buddy." Jak replied "Well things change when you poke me in the face!" He burst into tears and ran from the room.

Meanwhile Keira looked between the two and glared at Torn. "What did you do to him?" She raised the stolen Omni-wrench threateningly and swung it over her head to attack Torn but was stopped by none other than Ike!

He cried "wait, Mommy! Don't do it! I love him!"

Keira stared at him incredulously "Who the hell are you?"

"Mommy, it's me! Ike!"

Keira stared back "….. I don't know anyone names Ike ….." Then she noticed a zipper on Ike's neck. She reached for the zipper and Ike jumped back yelling "No you don't!"

Keira lunged and pinned Ike to the wall and she forced the zipper open. The Ike suit fell to the ground and out stepped Samos. Keira leapt back and screamed "AHHH!" instinctively she threw the wrench at Samos and it hit him on the head, knocking him out cold.

Tess, Daxter, and Keira all stared at Samos out cold on the ground. Suddenly in walked ratchet wearing a white sweater and an ascot "Good work team! Now we can see who the real villain is!" he proclaimed proudly. They pulled off the mask to show it was Errol!

Errol jumped up and grabbed Keira, who started screaming and hitting Errol with the Omni-wrench which she summoned from the floor using the powers of the Force.

The Luke Skywalker showed up and said "May the Force be with you!" Keira looked at him and said "Ewwwww… you made out with your sister." And then Luke left.

Ratchet called out "Hey don't get blood on my wrench, I just had that baby cleaned!" Clank scoffed from his back.

Keira didn't hear Ratchet. She broke free from Errol's grasp and continued to beat him until he was a puddle on the ground. "Let's see you stalk me again ha!" she screamed and wielded the wrench over head and cried a viscous battle cry "I am Keira! Warrior Goddess! AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE!"

Then in walked Baron Praxis. They handed him a Red Barron pizza and he turned around and left. Then, in rolled R2D2. Evil R2D2! Even the mighty, and now bloody, Omni-wrench was no match for Evil R2D2. Everyone ran around screaming as the evil robot went around being wildly trying to taze anyone he could come in contact with. Out of nowhere Clank walked up to Evil R2D2 and hit the 'off' switch. "I rock; you can bow down and kiss my feet any minute now." He said triumphantly.

But little did poor Clank know that the off switch was only a decoy and the Evil R2D2 zapped Clank! "Noooooooooooo! Claaaaaaaaank!" Ashelin cried collapsing on the floor as the smaller robot was fried. Then UR86 broke through the wall and was stomping around blindly, because a passing bird had shat on both of his optic receptors. He crashed around blindly until he heard a crunch under his feet. Everyone froze. The Deathbot bent down to feel what he had stepped on and realized that he had crushed Evil R2D2! The deathbot wailed and scooped up the remains of the Astrobot and ran through the other wall blindly.

Jak could be heard from the other room crying. Tess pushed Torn "Go fix him!"

Torn stumbled "But I don't know how to fix him!"

"Well, what did you do last night?" everyone yelled at him.

Torn blushed "I made him waffles …. He was hungry and he didn't have any food so he came over to my house and we had some waffles ….."

"Waffles being code word for….?" Ratchet asked.

"Umm, waffles. You know the breakfast food. Don't you know that annoying song? Do you like waffles? Yeah I like waffles! Do you like Pancakes? Yeah I like pancakes! Do you like French toast? Yeah I like French toast! Doo doo do do can't wait to get a mouthful!"

Everyone looked at him and laughed. Jak came out of the other room wiping his eyes "I've come to a decision …"

"And?" everyone said still chuckling.

"I've decided that there is no meaning to life because there is no such thing as Santa Clause. I'm the most important person EVER you think he would come visit me at least once ..." tears welled up in his eyes "So, I'm going to go kill myself with a candy cane."

"WAIT!" Everyone shouted. "We love you! And if you go to Vancouver you'll find Santa and tell him how awful he is to you."

Jak shook his head "I don't want to travel to Vancouver to see him. I want him to come see me." He blew his nose "When I'm gone, will you send him a letter telling him why I died."

"No." Torn said. No one saw him push Samos, now awake, out of the room to find a Santa suit. However, on the way to find a Santa suit he saw someone even better to do the job. "Hey Kleiver!" he called out.

"What's up Torn?"

Hey I need you to do me a favor. You see Jak has decided to kill himself because he thinks that Santa doesn't exist. Will you put on a suit and pretend to be Sana? Please! He's the only person who will eat my waffles!"

"Oh sure man; anything for little Jakky!" Kleiver took the suit and started putting it on.

"Awesome sauce!" Torn said and jumped up and down like a giddy school girl. "Now we need some reindeer. Know and good strip clubs around here?"

"Why?"

"To find some cheap whores to dress up as reindeer, DUH!" Torn said taking Kleiver's hand and pulling him along "I know where one is." He stopped "Come on Samos, we need you too to dress up as the elf."

"I'm no elf!" he protested.

Torn rolled his eyes "NO, that's why you're going to dress up as one."

The three walked into the strip club and Torn shouted "Alright you whores. We need eight of you to dress up as reindeer for Santa and his elf here!" Everyone in the club was frozen staring at Torn, including the girl in the middle of her routine on the pole which was none other than Seem!

Seem quietly got off her pole and walked behind stage. A few minutes later eight girls dressed up as reindeer walked out. "We'll meet you outside!" one of the called.

"Good now remember you bleat like sheep." Torn said.

They walked outside and all the reindeer were lined up waiting to go. Torn walked down the line looking at each of them "Don't know you. Don't know you. Seem. Don't know you. Don't know you either. Rayn... RAYN!" Rayn rolled her eyes "You can't tell me you didn't see that pun coming. I mean seriously, Rayndeer. Reindeer. Sheesh"

"Did you really come up with that right off the bat or did you plan this out."

"Well, I was hanging around back after dropping off some "cargo" and Seem said they needed reindeer, and I've been dying to try out these new antlers I got for a buck yesterday! So I was all like "Meh, what the hell" and decided to join in on the fun"

"Awesome" Kleiver said and walked away.

Torn continued down the line to see the last two reindeer "Don't know you. And you ….. You look familiar … VEGER! What the hell are you doing here?"

"Um, it looked like fun." Veger smiled at Torn "Yeah that's it."

"Whatever, let's go or Jak might already be dead by now."

They all skipped off singing "We're off to see the wizard" back to Jak. They returned to Jak to find him sitting at a table being spoon fed by Daxter. But when he looked up to see Kleiver aka Santa standing in the door he leapt up with glee and started jumping up and down screaming "SANTA!"

Kleiver took a step back in fear as Jak ran at him. Torn pushed him forward "Don't be a baby."

Kleiver caught the flying Jak and Jak hugged him with happy tears streaming down his face then he said "Oh Santa you do love me! You came so I wouldn't cut my wrists open!"

Just as Jak was saying that Sig walked in and watched the whole spectacle. Looking between everyone Sig said "Jak you were going to kill yourself over …?" But everyone was making too big of a deal over Santa Kleiver. So Sig shrugged and pulled out a camera. He snapped a few pictures and chuckled to himself "That's my big, goofy, family."

Suddenly Goofy ran across the room yelling "TOGA TOGA TOGA!" and was never to be seen again.

Everyone stared and then Santa Kleiver shook everyone off of him. "Well I'm very busy and I've got to go now. Good bye Jak my boy. Be good this year and I'll try and bring you something nice."

"Yay! Really? Like what?" Jak said grinning like a two year old.

"Uhh, well... how about a nice new gun mod? Yeah that sounds good. But I've got to go now. Come along whores, I mean reindeer. You too my helper elf, and Torn can I have a quick word with you?" he made a hasty retreat grabbing Samos by the neck; Torn followed "Make sure you get him really drunk so he doesn't remember any of this!" Kleiver hissed before running away down the street.

So Torn went in and got Jak a Long Island Iced Tea and said "Hey Jak, I bet you can't down this and a Three Wise Men shot at once." And Jak said "I bet I can!" He downed the drinks in less than a second.

Then suddenly buzzed Jak stripped off his shirt and started pole dancing, using Tess as a pole! Then Keira got extremely jealous and wielded the Omni-wrench to beat Jak off of Tess, but Ratchet beat her to it and starts pole dancing against Keira. Keira dropped the wrench in shock and Clank picked it up. Ratchet stopped dancing and ran away yelling "Hahahaha! Suckers!"

Keira shouted after Ratchet "You whore! You use me and then leave me in an instant! How could you?!"

Ratchet looked back and grinned "Sorry Lombaxes don't mate for life"

"Fucker!" Keira screamed. The Jak jumped on a table and shouted "DANCE PARTY!"

Everyone jumped up and started dancing wildly. Then Veger found his way into the party, he had a little green book titles How To Not Be Old "Let's see... how to grind. 'Step one: stand in the middle of the dance floor and move your hips in a figure eight motion. Look around the room randomly and do not make eye contact with any one specific person. Do not touch any one person until they touch you.' Alright then, sounds easy enough." Veger shut the book and moved out into the middle of the dance floor and started dancing like the book told him to.

Everyone stopped and stared at him. "Um, dude, Just wrong!" someone shouted. Daxter ran from the room with his mouth covered with his hands, they could hear him puking in the dead silence.

"Hey! It's not that bad!" Veger shouted

Out in the street you could hear a baby start to cry. Everyone glared at Veger and walked away. "I can't believe it. He made a baby cry!" Keira said to Ashelin.

Ashelin leaned over. "I can."

"True it IS Veger. Poor baby, I hope it didn't see anything. That child would be better off blind then."

"Yes the poor little one."

Suddenly someone cried out "Let's kill him for it!" so an angry mob formed. Jak pulled out a war drum and started singing "Savages! Savages! Barely even humans!"

But that would mean planning and a plot, so C3Po came in and fell on Veger, killing him.

And there was much rejoicing.

THE END! (And there was more rejoicing)


End file.
